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By Robert White, Editor-In-Chief
Co-parenting is no small feat, and for families navigating divorce, separation, or blending with new partners, the challenges can feel insurmountable—especially during the holidays. Dr. Jann Blackstone, a trailblazing mediator and author, offers a compassionate solution in her latest book, The Bonus Family Handbook. With decades of experience in family court mediation and step-family counseling, Dr. Blackstone provides practical strategies to transform the turbulence of co-parenting into a collaborative journey.
At the heart of her approach is a concept she calls “bonus families,” a term that replaces the traditional and often stigmatized label of “step-family.” “Bonus,” she explains, is a reward—an addition that enriches without diminishing the importance of the biological parents. "It’s an extra set of hands, not a replacement," Dr. Blackstone says. This perspective fosters a sense of inclusion and respect that is vital for children who often feel caught between two worlds.
Drawing on her personal experience as part of a blended family, Dr. Blackstone highlights the importance of collaboration among parents, stepparents, and extended families. Her own journey began in 1989 when she married a man with children, blending her daughter into the mix. "At first, it was chaos," she recalls. "But we learned to communicate, put the kids first, and eventually, my husband’s ex-wife and I became friends."
This transformative mindset laid the foundation for Bonus Families, the nonprofit Dr. Blackstone founded to support families in similar situations. She also developed the widely recognized "Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette," a guide that prioritizes children’s well-being, respect between co-parents, and open communication. These principles form the backbone of The Bonus Family Handbook, which offers tools to navigate contentious topics like holiday plans, gift-giving, and new traditions.
The holiday season, Dr. Blackstone emphasizes, often magnifies tension between exes, turning a time meant for joy into a battlefield of resentment and competition. Her advice? "Love your children more than you hate your ex," she says, noting that this simple principle can diffuse even the most heated conflicts. By shifting the focus away from the past and onto the children’s needs, families can create a more harmonious environment.
The book also delves into the delicate role of bonus parents, urging them to uphold the biological parent’s rules while fostering their own positive relationships with the children. "Boundaries are essential," Dr. Blackstone explains. "Bonus parents need to respect the biological parent’s role, but they also need to feel empowered to contribute to the family dynamic."
The Bonus Family Handbook is not only a guide but a roadmap for building healthier relationships, with practical tools like the CARE method: Communication, Acceptance, Respect, and Empathy. Each principle encourages families to approach challenges with understanding, fostering a cooperative spirit that benefits everyone involved.
As co-parenting becomes increasingly common, Dr. Blackstone’s work stands as an essential resource for navigating its complexities. "Families don’t have to live in dysfunction," she assures. "With the right tools, they can create a new, positive dynamic that supports everyone—especially the children."
For families seeking a fresh start, The Bonus Family Handbook is available now on Amazon and bonusfamilies.com, offering hope and strategies for a brighter, more collaborative future.
Listen to the full interview with Dr. Jann Blackstone on The Savoir Faire Audio Experience Podcast.